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Grief, Loss & Pain in Churches – A Handbook for Understanding & Advising in a Christian Context

Reviewed by Philip Joy.

I like this book. In fact I wish it had been on my shelf when I began in ministry. Instead of floundering with articles from the unwieldy Dictionary of Christian Ethics and Pastoral Theology, I could have opened up the relevant chapter of this handbook and got an immediate practical and spiritual grip of the particular situation and how best to respond both as a minister and as a church. Because, let’s face it, it is loss and grief which most challengingly confront and confound the people and the ministers of God as they live out their lives and ministries.

The author, Canon Dr Bill Merrington, has bags of experience from city, town and country ministries. Currently the lead chaplain at Bournemouth University he has done comprehensive research on loss both at home and abroad. The book aims to help ministers and pastoral teams to handle loss issues and grief reactions in practical ways. It succeeds.

The sheer breadth of topics covered is reassuring. It is divided into six parts, the first of which thinks through the psychological complexity of grief, the unavoidability of loss, the bonds which knit people together and what happens when such bonds are broken or frayed, the different kinds of loss, the way different personalities, ages and genders respond and so on. Merrington talks about such topics as anticipatory grief, the journey of grief and the history of grief theories. Yet even these early chapters are not delivered in a dry or detached way: there is anecdotal as well as research-based comment, and theory is fleshed out with real-life.

The remaining five parts cover the detailed situations we encounter in our work. Part Two asks what is the appropriate Christian response and discusses the role of faith, prayer and theology in pastoral work, not forgetting such practical issues as when people lose their faith or “when a person needs to be referred;” Part Three is entirely devoted to the loss of a child, whether ante or neo-natal, right up to teenagers, and a comprehensive discussion of the ongoing issues churches need to be aware of with the bereaved; Part Four deals with cases of suicide, murder and disaster; Part Five with divorce, messy relationships, singleness, abuse, issues surrounding social stratification and, of particular relevance, “when the minister leaves!”; Part Six, finally is a guidebook for the pastor herself – when the minister experiences loss, how to survive  amidst the strain of ministering to broken lives, knowing yourself and your limitations.

What strikes me is the sheer comprehensiveness of this book: its rootedness in real lives, its relevant, enlightening, research, and finally its compassion. Unlike so many books in an age with a penchant for pointless subtitles, it actually offers what it says on the packet: it really is a handbook for understanding and advising in a Christian context. And although it is published by the Anglo-Catholic Kevin Mayhew press, it is thoroughly ecumenical. Expensive, but worth it. A must for every pastor’s shelf.