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Overcoming Anger in your Relationship: How to break the cycle of arguments, put-downs, & stony silences

Reviewed by Johanna Clare.

The stated aim of this book is to help readers deal with their partners’ anger. The author, Robert Nay, is an American clinical psychologist. He has worked in universities, and in training mental health professionals to work with clients on anger management issues.

Nay’s approach is based on Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. He acknowledges that it is not possible to enforce change on another person, only to make changes to one’s own responses. He provides many exercises to help readers examine their own behaviour honestly. He recognises that, faced with anger, people may react with a mixture of anxiety, guilt, fear and their own anger. He suggests ways to avoid escalation and set firm boundaries (of course if a person is the victim of violence or abuse they must first protect their own safety and welfare, and that of any children). He includes a very helpful chapter on recognising and unravelling our responses to hidden and passive anger.

The book is written in a readable style, with lots of illustrative examples. It could be useful for ministers in their work, or to pass on to people struggling in angry relationships. However, the book does leave open the possibility of readers projecting or blaming others for their own angry feelings.