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Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Andrew Brigstock.

May

Although I’m not too far off retirement, I’m in my first residential parish post. I’ve been here for a number of years and, with the exception of one or two periods when the waters became a little choppy, I’ve been very happy here. It’s been hard work, but it’s been fun, energising, creative and, in some ways, what you might even call successful. The congregations haven’t grown in numbers, but, in a part of the country where the free churches are in free-fall, we’ve maintained our numbers, adding new people in roughly the same quantity as those we’ve lost through death or removal.

One of my congregations is in the latter stages of a five-year fundraising and development programme to carry out major repairs and improvements to their church. An ‘alternative’ service is now established in another, and is often the largest congregation of the day. We’ve made huge strides in streamlining our systems and improving our external communications. I’ve been here long enough for the local people to greet me as Andy (an abbreviation of my name by which I’ve never been addressed anywhere previously) in the pub and street.

I’ve faced down the parish troublemakers and now have the best bunch of Church Wardens any Vicar could ask for. In fact, I can’t think of any good reason to leave.

Unsettling Times

Indeed, I expected to stay put until retirement, but several things have unsettled me recently. First, a diocesan role which I’ve carried out alongside my parish ministry appears to be about to end. Effectively that will leave me with only half a stipend - not good as one approaches retirement.

Second, it’s clear (to me, at least) that the diocese doesn’t intend to replace me when I go. My only evidence for this is the fact that, in the three adjacent parishes, two are having shiny new vicarages built, and the third is having megabucks spent on theirs. Meanwhile, getting the diocese to mend a leaking tap in my vicarage seems to place their finances under impossible stress. I’m not stupid - it seems obvious that there is no intention to place another resident priest in this parish. Maybe I’m wrong. Who knows?

Third, there are only three other parishes on the planet to which I would consider a move, and - you’ve guessed it - one of them has just become vacant. None of them would be regarded as promotion - promotion doesn’t interest me, because I realised many years ago that it gives more responsibility with less actual power. That’s a mug’s game, in my view. Anyway, the parish which has become vacant is ripe for the kind of skills and experience which I carry as a result of many years in both secular and ecclesiastical life.

The bishop, so I’m told, is supportive of my interest in the vacancy, as is my wife, not least because she would be freed from the myriad responsibilities she carries in our present parish, allowing her to spend time, in due course, with our first grandchild who is scheduled for delivery early next year.

At the moment, the decision isn’t in my hands. I have yet to have discussions with the Archdeacon and the Bishop about it. Later I’ll have discussions with the Parochial Church Council. But when the decision comes down to me, to accept or reject a move to this other parish, do I stay or do I go? And how can I be certain of making the right decision?

Prayer

I realise that I’m stating the blindingly obvious when I say that prayer is vital. I sense a need to make time to think with a clear and immediate sense of being in God’s presence. But I also need to be prayerful when I talk to the Archdeacon a few days from now, and when I talk to the Bishop.

I hope that, throughout the coming weeks and perhaps months, I can manage to make prayer the atmosphere I breathe. It seems to me that that is what Jesus exemplified, going off into the hills to be alone with his Heavenly Father as often as the demands of the populace would allow. It would be so easy for me and everyone else involved to make a decision based on grounds of expediency, sentiment, finance or some other very human reason. But I want this to be God’s option for the last part of my full-time ministry.

Unfinished Business

Of course, one could make a decision based on the fact that there is still work to do in the present place, unfinished business to complete, but that’s always going to be the case. In fact, it occurs to me that Jesus could have used that excuse for not being crucified. I can imagine the conversation: “But Father, there are still so many people to heal, so much teaching to give, and as for that bunch of disciples - they’re nowhere near ready to take on the job of being my body in the world. They’re bound to make a hash of it. It’s going to take at least another ten years before they’re ready, trained and experienced enough”. That’s pretty much how I feel about my parish. I love them dearly, but I can’t help wondering if they’ll cope without me. Ah, the arrogance of pastoral leadership! Since when was I indispensable? The parish was muddling along nicely without me - how dare I think that they can’t now do without me?

Can I Start Again?

Another major factor in my decision is whether I have the emotional stamina to start all over again with a whole new set of names to memorise, a leadership team to win over and mould together to work with me and a different set of church buildings to cope with.

Then there’s a new community to evangelise - at least in the present one I know what doesn’t work, even if I haven’t been over-successful in figuring out what does!

The new parish (if I go) is quite different to this one. The only thing they have in common is that they are both rural, but the new parish is much more rural, much further from a major conurbation. The people are different - many more highly educated, gifted and experienced people, who will all have an opinion about how a parish should be run. They wore out the previous vicar, so would they do the same to me?

Should I be looking for an easier ride at this stage of my ministry. I admit that I’m mentally and emotionally tired, and the prospect of starting again energises me at one level and depresses me at another.

June

I’ve had the meeting with the Archdeacon now, and I now have to make my decision. He was quite open that he wanted me to take up the new post. That bit I said earlier about prayer is going to be critical. The Bishop and Archdeacon want my decision by the end of the month and that’s only ten days away.

June 30

I finally decided - to stay put. Is that cowardice, unwilling to face a new challenge? Laziness, can’t face the hard work involved? I’m not sure. Perhaps I’ll never know, but it feels at the moment like the right decision.

My reason for staying put is that my heart still lies with these people and this place. Yes, the other place had many attractions, not least of which was a small increase in stipend, but something tells me in my heart that ministry is not about ‘doing’, but about ‘being’; not about doing the job of a parish priest, but about being a parish priest, and that means (for me, anyway) that I have to stay long enough in one place to see at least one whole generation through. I’ve been here long enough to see some of the babies I baptised now appearing in the school assemblies I take. Another few years and they’ll be taking their GCSEs and then going to university. I’d love to stay long enough to conduct some of their weddings. I hope I never have to conduct any of their funerals, although I’ve buried more than one youngster since I’ve been here.

I’m well aware of the selfishness of that last paragraph, but it’s all mixed up with selflessness, the desire to pour myself into this community. I’m reminded of the elderly priest who had spent 50 years in one parish and was quoted as saying that “I’ve poured my life into these people and, if I had another lifetime, I’d do it all over again”. I think I know a little of how he felt.

What finally made my mind up to decline the other parish was what happened last Sunday after all the services were over. We invited some of the young adults to come to the vicarage for tea. We had an ulterior motive, of course, which was to see how willing they were to be creative with and take responsibility for the alternative service which they all attend. We were completely blown away by their enthusiasm, creativity, energy and willingness to embrace leadership roles. That was when Ruth and I knew that we had to stay, because none of this group had been in the congregations when we arrived in the parish, and we have seen them take tiny, unsteady spiritual steps to the point where they are now confident and maturing with every passing week. Call me selfish, if you will, but I long to stick around to see the outcome of all that hard work

July 1

The Bishop and Archdeacon are not pleased, so bang goes any chance of promotion, but I know that I’m where God wants me to be, and, in the end, does anything else matter?