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Why ministers freak out under the stress of having to be ‘nice’

By Ian Gregory.

The effort of being ‘nice’ to fellow Christians in church life is proving too much for some clergy, according to new research in the Church of England. Many find it impossible to respond with a good grace to the demands made on their time and energy, and suffer ‘burn out’ and stress.

How do nonconformist ministers fare? Do they suffer in the same way, or is our less bureaucratic style of service to the church easier? After all, our Anglican brothers and sisters have a good deal more paperwork to complete, funds to raise and supervisors watching over their activities.

How hard is it, then, for our ministers to go on being nice, faced as they are with the many and varied demands of their role?

We asked ten to describe their reaction on reading the Anglican report. Only six had time and energy to respond! Here are some of their comments:

• It’s exaggerated. Our ministers have to lead from the pew, not the pulpit. We must all try to be nice, whatever our job, although perhaps not as traffic wardens or bailiffs. Yes, ministers do face stress. Reading about it is sad. We live in a world of high expectations and demands, with failing and elderly congregations who expect more of their minister.

• Church people can be vicious to their leaders, which makes you wonder why, if they have been listening to gospel preaching for, say, 50 years, it hasn’t sweetened them. In no other job is an individual required to fulfil so many roles. The stress arises because it is frankly impossible. The dream of Christian ministry is one thing: the reality can be quite other.

• Our local vicar has left for the United States where he hopes that the grass will be greener. Churches there can be much nicer and there are teams of paid staff. There can be bullying clergy and bullying congregations. Often people want to preserve the status quo regardless of the needs of the moment, or the will of God. Anglican parishes have little control over who is appointed or sacked, whereas in Congregationalism a harmonious balance must be maintained or the minister/pastor is out!

Is the effort to be ‘nice’ a problem for me? No. I’m not nice. I show the love of Jesus. I am compassionate and I work for peace and harmony, but I preach the Gospel Jesus preached and refuse to be ‘nice’. Some have left the church or attend less frequently, but we are stronger for this (even in the Congregational Federation this needs saying).

• The research gives the impression that there are hordes of trouble makers plotting to make ministers’ lives miserable. Not so. Nonetheless, there are people in every congregation who are there to fulfil their own need for power and influence through a ‘voluntary’ organisation. This is because the church is reluctant to challenge, sack, or demote a willing volunteer. Such people not only tyrannise the minister, but they also manipulate whole congregations.

Often these folk are indispensable (or perceived to be so) as they make a huge contribution in terms of time, talent, and finance. To lose them would be a huge blow to any fellowship. Their trump card is the threat of resignation, or refusing to attend worship for a few weeks in order to punish the minister. It is intended to strike fear into the hearts of those in the congregation who believe that we simply could not do without them. Their actions and deeds are often cloaked in self-righteous certainty (e.g. “I feel the Lord is saying to me...”).

• The best strategy for ministers and members is to accept resignations with immediate effect. We may also challenge the words and behaviour of those who try to steer decision-making by declaring their intention to leave if things don’t go their way. I am convinced that ministers and ALL Christians would be more content if they learned to be firm and friendly. There is no need for rudeness or back stabbing. Christians behaving badly must be challenged even if it does result in what a colleague of mine called “blessed subtractions.”

The reality is that there are ministers who are ‘evil-minded’ and ‘make life hell’ for their congregations. A good dose of humility and mutual respect would go a long way in ‘speaking the truth in love.’ The gathered church is to be a colony of the kingdom. The up-side-down, topsy-turvy values of God are hammered out on the anvil of life together. And there’s the rub. To love others as we have been loved sounds easy. Yet in the context of the gathered people of God it is brought about by sheer grace.