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For Better, for Worse: Marriage as God Intended

By Katharine Hill and Richard Hill.

Percy and Florence Arrowsmith, a couple from Hereford now 106 and 100 years old, made headline news recently, having just celebrated their 80th wedding anniversary, a feat that is expected to win them a place in the Guinness book of records. A solicitor’s clerk, Mr Arrowsmith worked for the same firm for 63 years and the couple have lived in the same house for 77 years (since 1928). When asked the secret of their long marriage Mrs Arrowsmith replied “We never go to bed as bad friends. And every night we kiss and hold hands.” Stories like this shine a ray of hope into our society, where fewer couples are choosing to marry and where long committed relationships cease to be the norm. With over 40% of marriages ending in divorce, the UK not only has the highest divorce rate in Europe, but also tops the table for single parenting and teenage pregnancies. As fewer couples are choosing to marry, the rise in family breakdown in cohabiting relationships is on the increase. In fact, unmarried families with children under the age of 5 are five times more likely to break up than those who are married. These figures make sobering reading, and represent untold pain and heartache, the effect of which ripples way beyond the couples themselves to their children and to wider family, friends and communities beyond. Katharine: We have four children and our current season of parenting means that we are becoming well acquainted with the workings and accessories of the latest mobile phones. On Saturday I took my daughter to the local mobile phone shop in order to fix what appeared to be a minor fault, which we understood would be covered by the insurance that we had been advised to arrange at the time of purchase. The sales assistant tested the phone and then asked us to wait whilst she made a telephone call to the supplier. To our daughter’s delight five minutes later we left the shop with a brand new mobile phone. It had been easier and cheaper to replace the handset than to get it repaired. The sociologist Alvin Toffler comments that this disposable attitude to consumer goods has impacted the way that we deal with our relationships. He writes “People today have a throwaway mentality. They not only have throwaway products, but they make throwaway friends and this mentality produces throwaway marriages.” We spent a delightful evening with a newly engaged couple last week. Their love for each other shone through and their decision to marry was clearly based on their desire to spend the rest of their lives together. Seeing their happiness, it is not surprising to learn that research indicates that there are some additional benefits to being married. Not only are married people happier, but they are also healthier and have better prospects of employment. Marriage gives companionship, it forms the basis of family life and provides a safe, secure and stable environment within which to bring up children. These ripples also spread wide. A strong marriage benefits the couple concerned and it will also have a positive effect on the communities in which they live and work, and therefore society as a whole. This should be no surprise as marriage was God’s idea and part of the original order of creation. Perhaps the best framework for marriage can be found in Paul’s letter to the Ephesians. He describes the panoramic splendour of God’s love and grace and his purposes for his people and his church. He then focuses the lens on the detail of how practically to live out those purposes in our relationships, and particularly within marriage relationship. Ephesians 5.31 takes us back to Genesis to show that the reason for marriage is rooted in the creation story itself: “for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.” In the Genesis story of creation that Paul refers to, we read that God creates the universe and everything is very good. He then makes man, but on seeing him alone recognises that creation is incomplete and declares “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2.18) and creates woman. Adam then says “She shall be called woman for she was taken out of man”. In Hebrew the two words ‘man’ and ‘woman’ come from the same root. The picture is one of equality and complementarity. They need each other to be complete. This is the closest human relationship possible, and God’s image is profoundly mysteriously and uniquely reflected as a man and a woman come together in marriage. Understanding the consequence of this suddenly elevates marriage from a mere social institution or a bit of paper or even a good excuse for a party. Marriage is created by God and is part of the very first teaching about who we are and who God is. The union in marriage between a man and a woman shares in and reflects the beauty and the holiness of the glory and image of God. Glimpsing what God intended for marriage will help us to take a step back and begin to ask how we can invest in our own relationships and then help others to do the same, so we can be part of turning the tide of marriage breakdown and begin to see society transformed. Despite the sobering statistics, the good news is that most marriages still do last a lifetime. However, there are probably few engaged couples who at some time during their engagement do not step back and wonder, if only for a moment, what the future will bring and what the secret is to being part of a marriage that lasts ‘until death do us part’. The truth is that there is no secret There are, however, skills that can be learned, choices that can be made, and habits put in place that will ensure that marriages can be built on strong foundations that will last a lifetime. If a bath is overflowing, while it is important to gather towels to mop up the mess, the most effective course of action would be to turn off the taps and to deal with the problem at source. In the same way, churches can lead the way in our communities by providing good marriage preparation to engaged couples. Tools can be given to couples right at the beginning of their relationship which will help their marriages have the best possible start. Marriage preparation can also include a valuable link with a married couple who can act as mentors to provide newly married couples with an ongoing role model of a committed relationship that many now lack. The Ephesians passage gives any married couple three essential building blocks for setting strong foundations in place. 1. Leaving The new core loyalty must be the relationship between husband and wife. For the sake of the marriage both husband and wife need to leave the parental home, psychologically, emotionally and physically, and relate in a new way to parents and parental figures with whom there has been a close relationship. Marriage brings about a change of loyalties and the couple now need to look to each other for mutual support. While love and support from parents, siblings or close friends will still be important, there must be a recognition that loyalties have changed. We were at a wedding recently where the question ‘Who gives this woman to be married to this man?’ was answered by both parents together. It was a moving moment in the service symbolising the end of one life stage and the beginning of something new. Engagement can be seen as the beginning of a journey together, which each couple begin with two invisible suitcases. The first is an empty new suitcase, just waiting to be packed. Together they will choose what to put in it. The second is a larger well worn suitcase which is already full to bursting. Inside is the past and, like it or not, this comes with them into marriage. This suitcase will contain the influence of parental figures and the homes each grew up in, different methods of communication and conflict resolution, of physical intimacy and forgiveness. Leaving involves recognising these influences and then deciding together what to do with them. There will be positive things from the past to value as well as negative things to be aware of. The key for a couple is to decide a way of doing things that is right for their marriage. Both our mothers are good at map reading and always read the map on family excursions. In the early years of our marriage we both automatically reverted to our parents’ role. Much angst, many U turns and one memorable trip from the Isle of Arran to Bristol via Hull, while providing panoramic views of the Pennines, could easily have been avoided if we had realised that for our marriage the best combination is for Richard to map read while I drive! Now if there is the slightest question over the route, we simply pull over, and without even needing to discuss the issue, swap places. The need to leave may surface in a marriage in many different situations. One couple we know invited all the family for their first Christmas together. Anxious to make a good impression on Nick’s family, Kate had found a recipe for the Christmas pudding. The turkey had been delicious and no one seemed to have noticed that the sprouts were slightly overdone. All was going well. She felt a small sense of pride as she served the pudding. Nick’s sister tasted it and confirmed that it was delicious, but added as an afterthought that it was probably not quite as good as the recipe her mother used. Left at that, the damage might have been limited. As it was, Nick readily agreed with his sister’s verdict. Digging himself in deeper, he then went on to offer to obtain the recipe from his mother, so Kate could make it for everyone the following year. Not surprisingly, Kate has never made Christmas pudding since. With hindsight, Nick realised that, in supporting his mother and sister in preference to his wife, how undervalued that had made her feel. The reason for developing that new core loyalty is obvious. Marriage is intended to be a beautiful intimacy that shows the beauty of the trinitarian heart of God. Therefore if we have not left behind a relationship that has greater access to our heart, the intimacy between a husband and wife will never grow. 2. Weaving As a couple weave their lives together they create a new shared story. Adopting the following habits will result in a couple beginning to weave their lives together. Spend Time Together: Time together will keep a relationship growing. In our experience making time for each other never just happens. It requires a conscious decision. Unless we deliberately set aside time, the external demands of life or simply complacency set in. When we look back to when we first met, we would do anything to make time together. The challenge is to continue to do this for each other years on into marriage. Time together keeps romance alive, deepens understanding and intimacy and ensures communication at a meaningful level. The time we spend together has varied over the years according to our circumstances. We have learned to plan to protect and to prioritise it and looking back we can see the difference it has made. Communication: Communication draws us together physically, emotionally and spiritually. In marriage two people can be living in the same house and sleeping in the same bed, yet, without communication between them, they can be strangers to each other. At the beginning of our marriage, Katharine worked as a family law solicitor and found then that many people attributed the beginning of the breakdown of their relationship with the failure to communicate. One woman, looking back on her marriage, said: “Our lack of communication killed our love. It began to wither, and one day finally died, like a plant without water.” Effective communication is about learning how to listen to each other and to express our feelings to each other openly, honestly, and in an atmosphere of trust. In our society it is terrifyingly easy to drift into parallel living in our marriages. It is when a couple can learn both to listen and to express how they feel on a regular basis that a relationship can blossom and grow. Resolving Conflict: Disagreements are inevitable in every marriage as two people come together with different backgrounds, priorities and personalities. One of the key lessons in laying the foundations for marriage involves how to resolve conflict when it arises, finding joint solutions to issues, and using the process to strengthen the relationship. Twenty years ago we honeymooned in Crete, and thought a romantic idea would be to hire a bicycle together, side by side under a canopy and pedal into the sunset. The only problem was that we failed to appreciate our different expectations about what a day in the saddle would be like. Richard anticipated some energetic cycling up and down the surrounding hills and set off at a blistering pace, hoping to find a secluded beach on the far side of the island. Katharine had an entirely different expectation: a gentle pedal along a flat terrain with time taken to enjoy the surrounding countryside. Putting her head down and cycling for the Tour de France was certainly not on her agenda, so she took her feet off the pedals and left me to it, simply applying the brake at (what she considered) necessary intervals. We had both wanted to conduct the bike ride in the way we envisaged and neither made any allowance for the other which in the heat of the midday sun did not produce a harmonious state of affairs. In the cool of the evening we were able to look back and reflect on the disappointment and frustration of a day which had fallen spectacularly short of our individual expectations. The following day we resolved the issue by hiring a motorbike for the rest of the week. Becoming engaged and then building a marriage can be like learning to share a bicycle with someone. It takes time and effort to understand each other’s expectations for the journey ahead, and couples may be forgiven for wanting to pedal on their own or take their feet off the pedals altogether. The journey will certainly go up some steep hills and over some rough terrain, but if couples are prepared to find the best way forward they can journey far. Forgiveness: Florence Arrowsmith attributed the secret of their long marriage to “never going to bed as bad friends.” Being able to deal with the ways that individuals have hurt each other in marriage is vital to building intimacy. To be able to apologise and forgive is powerful in a marriage, and essential if we are to keep our relationships healthy. Rob Parsons writes in The Sixty Minute Marriage that “Forgiveness feels the pain but doesn’t hoard it; it allows tomorrow to break free of yesterday. It is always hard, sometimes foolish, and at its heart Godlike. There is no hope for us without it.” 3. Cleaving In marriage a couple promise to give themselves unreservedly to each other, and it is that commitment which forms the foundation of the marriage relationship. Giving to each other in sexual union within the safety of the marriage vows can be seen as the natural carrying out of that commitment. The sexual relationship cannot be compartmentalised - it affects the rest of the marriage. In fact “sex is not ‘the icing on the cake’, but a vital ingredient of the cake itself” (The Marriage Book, Nicky and Sila Lee). Without sex a husband and wife can become like ‘flatmates’, whereas they are called to be lovers. Cleaving is a litmus test as to how well a couple are leaving and weaving. It is a barometer for the marriage as a whole. In our experience the two most intimate things we do together where we are most vulnerable together is making love and praying together. Praying together brings us into a closeness with God and with each other. We have not always found praying together easy, but with encouragement have persevered, and it is now the most intimate and important part of the day and the bedrock of our relationship. In building a marriage all three building blocks need to be in place: leaving, weaving and cleaving. This beautiful picture of marriage as God intended is then taken one step further. “This is a profound mystery, but I am talking about Christ and the church’ (Ephesians 5.32). Marriage, as wonderful as it can be, and as painful and as difficult as it can be, is a sign that points to the true marriage for which we were created, a union with the God of the universe. When we come to faith we are called to leave our old life behind, to build or weave a new relationship through Christ with God and eventually to be united with him. At the launch of National Marriage Week in February 2005, Rabbi Jonathan Sacks spoke movingly in support of marriage. He said:

“A good marriage is the greatest work of art that any of us are likely to achieve. And it is all the more fun because it’s the kind of work of art that lives and breathes and changes and grows. Just because it is unfashionable and counter-cultural and absurdly beautiful, let us hear it for marriage, the truth of the proposition is that the love we make is the love we give away.”

We have no doubt that Mr and Mrs Arrowsmith would wholeheartedly agree. Richard and Katharine Hill are the authors of ‘Rules of Engagement’, published by Lion Hudson/Care for the Family in March 2005. The book offers practical advice to couples both on how to plan a successful wedding and how to build a marriage that lasts. Katharine Hill works as Marriage Project Manager for Care for the Family and as Coordinator of the National Couple Support Network (a new partnership between Care for the Family and The Marriage Preparation Course at Holy Trinity Brompton). ‘Rules of Engagement’ can be obtained from good bookshops, together with further details of the network and marriage resources from Care for the Family at NCSN@cff.org.uk