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'My Way' at Funerals

By Hedgehog.

No, the heading of this article is not about me telling you how I do funerals.

Time was when Hedgehog only did about half a dozen funerals per year and most of those were for people from his own congregation. Now he does 25-30 per year and has found himself thinking very differently about them.

First it must be said that the Funeral Checklist, published in this journal several years ago and slightly adapted, is an essential tool for the job. Thank you, Paul Beasley-Murray, for allowing it into the public domain, if only because the thorough questioning of the family that it requires provides an opportunity to guide them in selecting the components of a funeral which will give their loved ones a dignified, as well as an appropriate send-off.

Having said that, there are some things which you simply cannot legislate for. One was the funeral at one of our local crematoriums where the funeral directors came out after the funeral to find the hearse was missing. It was eventually retrieved at Fishguard, on the west Wales coast, with a note of apology from an Irishman who had simply borrowed it to get to the ferry home!

On another recent occasion, a funeral was interrupted by the slightly muffled ringing of a mobile phone. The minister paused, but the ringing continued as most of the mourners started checking to see if the sound was caused by their phones. Eventually someone realised, to everyone's alarm, that it was coming from inside the coffin - the funeral director had inadvertently dropped it in while nailing down the lid earlier that morning!

My own most recent gaffe was in slightly mis-hearing what the son of the deceased lady said during the pre-funeral visit. I thought he said that she had died while in the kitchen making a cup of tea. When I mentioned this in the funeral service, there was much tittering from the congregation. Later it was explained to me that she had in fact died while making a G&T (gin and tonic)!

My guess is that we all have stories to tell of strange things that get sung, said and read at funerals. I never understand why so many want to sing 'Jerusalem' or 'The day thou gavest'. I've told all the funeral directors in our area that 'My Way' (especially the version by Elvis Presley) is banned from any funeral that I take. Thankfully we don't have a PA system in any of my churches, so I can legitimately claim 'logistical problems' as my reason for not being able to include it. One family wanted it played on the organ as the coffin left the church at the end of the service, but, try as we might (let the reader understand), we simply could not find a copy of the music at short notice.

Sometimes they get it absolutely right. At the funeral of a man who was a keen rifleman and hunter, the coffin was brought in as the organist belted out 'Nimrod' (the mighty hunter) from Elgar's Enigma Variations. It had been the funeral director's idea, but unfortunately the subtlety was completely lost on the congregation! On another occasion, the daughter of the deceased had asked me to read a poem she had written about her mother. It wasn't great poetry, but it was warm, strong, loving and positive, so I was delighted to be able to include it.

But it is so easy at these moments to descend into mawkish doggerel, sentimental music or inappropriate song lyrics - Hedgehog has heard them all. How to manage the situation? I don't know, short of being very stern with people. But one can't do that when tears are flowing and hearts are breaking.

All I know is that taking a funeral is one of the most privileged, joyous parts of ministry, even when the death is a premature or unhappy one. The privilege of bringing a whole family, along with many of their friends, into an engagement with the living God as they sorrow for their loved ones is one of the greatest moments of ministry, and I wouldn't change that for the world.

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