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Discord Is Part of Harmony in the Church

By Alastair Mckay.

Director of Bridge Builders at the London Mennonite Centre.

He conducts training in transforming church conflict in the UK and USA and leads mediation processes for Christian churches and members.

The paid church administrator had resigned. Rather than filling the vacancy, the leadership team proposed calling someone to a new role of pastoral elder, as part of the team. They proposed searching for someone from outside the congregation even though this 20 year old congregation had always called their leadership from within. "We've never done it this way before - we can't accept the idea of calling someone from outside," said a significant group. Meanwhile the leaders were saying, "We can't carry on like this. Quality time is needed for leadership of the congregation, time we don't have. We need a pastoral elder, and no one is available within the congregation (which everyone agreed). We have to go outside." It seemed we were stuck between two irreconcilable positions.

Then the outgoing administrator wisely asked, "How would people feel if we were to call one of our previous elders, who has now left the congregation, to the role of pastoral elder?" This released the deadlock. The group opposed now shifted: they could support this idea. The question had unearthed the underlying concern: there was a need to build relationship and trust. So the leaders went back and designed a five-month process that allowed the congregation to get to know the candidate being considered, in various settings. At the end of the time, the candidate and his wife confirmed their willingness to accept a call, and the congregation decided unanimously to call him to the new role.

This story of a church conflict had a positive outcome, but you will know plenty of less happy examples. Why do conflicts in the church become so destructive at times? Some of the reasons can include:

* The attitude that Christians have towards conflict. It is common for us to see conflict as bad and sinful, and something to be avoided. This can foster a culture in which we seek to be nice, and avoid facing difficulties and differences, working them through.

* The ways that decisions are made, sometimes without adequate consultation and listening to different voices. Attention is too often focused on the outcome, rather than on the process of reaching it.

* Inappropriate leadership styles, for example either over-forceful or too yielding.

* Projecting anxieties about difficult developments in our lives - such as job loss, marital stress, and illness or death of a loved one - into our church life and relationships with church leaders.

* Shifts in the power balance. For example, it can be hard to let go when one has had leadership responsibilities, and the time comes for change, and for others to take up the reins.

* Our identities being at risk. Our faith and spiritual connections are central to who we are, and these may be challenged during conflict.

Mostly, these factors are not uniquely 'churchy': they are just part of being human. But "the church is called to be the pilot project of the new humanity established by Christ ... Not least is the world looking for models of handling conflict ... Conflicts in the church can seem such a distraction from getting on with the real work; but this is the real work. When people come near such a community they will instinctively know how real the relationships are."1 So we need to work at building Christian communities where we can engage openly and honestly with one another, and where we develop skills and habits to deal constructively with conflict.

A range of strategies will be needed. Here are a few to start us off.

1. We need to recognise that conflict is normal in every group, including in the church. It is our response to conflict that will help shape a positive or negative outcome - and we have choices about our responses. So we need to learn to think differently about conflict. As one writer puts it: "We often label as conflict only those situations which include such negative elements as bitterness, hurt and division."2 Yet conflict with positive outcomes, such as in our opening story, happens all the time. If we can recognise as conflict the times we successfully work through disagreement, then we can begin to approach conflict more hopefully and with less fear.

2. We need to acknowledge our limitedness, and that we only hold part of the truth in any situation. It will take disciplined work of listening and understanding the other(s) to find a way through together. There is an opportunity for growth here, as one theologian, familiar with violent conflict, reminds us: "We enlarge our thinking by letting the voices and perspectives of others, especially those with whom we may be in conflict, resonate within ourselves, by allowing them to help us see them, as well as ourselves, from their perspective, and if needed, readjust our perspectives as we take into account their perspective."3

3. We need to draw on biblical resources. The first recorded community-wide conflict in the early church (Acts 6.1-7) reveals the early leaders facing into conflict, listening profoundly to the community, and discerning that the issue was not simply one of fair treatment of the needy, but also about leadership power. Judging from the Greek names, the new group joining the leadership team were all drawn from the Greek-speakers in the church among whom the complaint about widows had originated. The apostles were willing to change the structures, and share power more broadly. Another example is Jesus' teaching in Matthew 18, which holds important principles for us in working with conflict including that:

a. conflict is often related to struggles for power and influence;

b. we need to learn to move towards the other when in conflict;

c. reconciliation comes through hard work at listening and seeking understanding;

d. the church is an arena to express and address conflict;

e. we need persistence in trying to restore broken relationships;

f. God is present in and can be encountered in conflict.

These are just examples: the Bible is a rich resource to be mined on this subject.

4. We need to understand our churches as emotional systems. Congregations are complex entities, made up of individuals with complicated lives, all influencing one another. The emotional and relational forces at work are significant, and, as one writer expresses it: "There are no shortcuts in managing emotional processes, particularly painful ones."4 Wise leadership is called for that is aware of the complex dynamics, and equipped to play a constructive part. Ordained leaders in particular may need support and supervision to sustain them in facing these challenges. But with understanding and maturity the waters can be navigated.

5. We need to pay attention to our decision-making processes. All churches need to change and to make decisions if they are to move forward. It is unrealistic to expect everyone to be happy with the changes and decisions that are made. However, if people are not involved in the decision-making process, they can feel unvalued, and marginalised. This can lead to bitterness and divisions that may not surface immediately, but may sow the seeds of later destructiveness. If people agree to a fair decision-making process at the outset, they are more likely to live with the outcome, especially if their views and concerns are validated and addressed in some way. However, collaborative decision-making that works at building consensus is not without a cost. It takes time, energy and planning, as well as hard work at listening and understanding different perspectives. It may be that we will "cover less ground, but dig it more deeply."5 But the longer term dividends that hold the group together and build community can far outweigh the costs.

6. We also need to distinguish between problems to solve and problems to manage. Speed Leas, the leading US consultant on church conflict, highlights this as an important distinction. Problems to solve are those which are either dichotomous, with a yes/no, either/or answer, such as whether to ordain women as bishops in the Church of England; or questions with multiple possible answers, such as how to reach out evangelistically to the local community. Problems to manage are different, in that both the choices that may 'solve' a problem are desired. These are polarities which need to be managed6. An example is the problem of outreach and inreach. If the church's energies are all focussed on evangelism and outreach, then the pastoral care and nurture will suffer and church members will feel neglected. If, on the other hand, the focus is on pastoral care and fellowship, then the church will not grow and over time will die. This is a problem to be managed, with continual movement between the two polarities, and has no simple 'solution'.

Each strategy I have described above can help prevent destructive conflict. The key is to invest energy in intentional reflection, training and development. But we also need to recognise when communication and relationships have broken down, and help is needed - and accept that seeking such help is a wise rather than a weak step. I believe there is a particular place for mediation here, exercised by suitably trained people.

Mediation is a voluntary process in which third parties structure face-to-face dialogue between people who are seeking to resolve their disagreements and address broken relationships. A key principle of mediation is that the people involved, rather than the mediators, decide the outcome themselves, in contrast to arbitration or hierarchical decision, in which the third party decides the outcome.

The mediator's task is to provide a structure and a safe environment for dialogue and negotiation. The mediator's role will normally include helping the parties to articulate their own needs and interests, to clarify the issues of disagreement, to help them generate options to address the issues, and to document any agreements reached. In a transformative approach, such as that used by Bridge Builders, the mediators' role is also to help the parties to express their own feelings and experience and to understand the other's feelings and experience, to encourage the parties to take responsibility for their own contribution to the past, and to assist healing and reconciliation in the relationship. Mediation therefore empowers the participants and facilitates outcomes for which they have ownership, and which are therefore more likely to endure.

Paul complains to the Corinthian church: "Can it be that there is no one among you wise enough to decide between one believer and another ..." (1 Corinthians 6.5). Certainly wisdom is needed to help bring reconciliation to disputing parties. Paul's assumption is that resource people with this wisdom should exist in the church. He may well be expecting that some kind of process similar to that described by Jesus in Matthew 18 is at work within the church, that people with wisdom in the church are helping to reconcile other church members who are in conflict. Paul's overarching complaint is that the Corinthian church is failing to be what the church is meant to be: the conflict-resolving family of God. And his contention is that the community of God should look for resources from within the community to address problems between its members. On this basis, I believe church leaders should aim to commission church members to be trained and equipped for this task, as well as getting themselves trained.

I believe that the suggestions flow from faithful Christian discipleship and can make a significant difference in practice. Yet most of it runs counter to typical church culture, which tends to follow all too human reactiveness rather than gospel engagement with conflict. Moving to a new culture of peace in the church is not going to happen quickly. It is a long term project, both at the level of an individual congregation and more broadly. And it will take leaders with vision and stamina to develop such a culture. But when the church works at peacemaking in its own midst, then truly Christians have a gift to offer the world, marked by witness to the one who 'is our peace'. The church has the key narrative and the calling to provide a creative model for our world in handling conflict, and to be counter-cultural here will truly be good news for the world!

Bridge Builders provides training and mediation services. Further details on Bridge Builders can be found at www.menno.org.uk.